White House Goes On Offensive Against Jesus
Satire by Daniel Welch
Washington, DC. – The White House, still reeling from this week’s surprise return of Jesus Christ and His condemnation of the Bush administration’s war in Iraq, has gone on the offensive.
An administration aide admitted to growing White House frustration that staffers had been “caught napping,” not only by Mr. Christ’s unexpected return, which the aide likened to “a thief in the night,” but especially by His strongly worded condemnation of Bush’s foreign policy. “After all,” stated the staff member on condition of anonymity, “we’ve been working since day one to bring about Armageddon specifically to hasten the Lord’s return. Then He does this. I’ve got to question both His loyalty and His timing.”
In a blitz of morning show appearances yesterday, administration officials sought to cast doubt on the savior’s credibility, as well as His motivations.
National security advisor Condoleezza Rice stated on NBC’s Today Show that the King of Kings “Never gave us a plan to follow, really. We would have welcomed his input, but He was apparently too busy converting water into wine.”
Rice’s statements appeared to contradict those of Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage. Appearing on CNN, Armitage stated that “The Redeemer had presented the administration with a lengthy plan, titled ‘Revelations,’ that “President Bush has endeavored mightily to follow. The President has been diligent about this, despite the fact that Yahweh doesn’t exactly write the most clear or concise memo I’ve ever seen.”
Appearing on conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh’s program, Vice President Dick Cheney questioned the Everlasting Light’s credibility in His scathing critique of the Iraq war. “Frankly, He was out of the loop. I mean, where’s He been for the past 2,000 years?” Cheney asked. “And now He suddenly makes Himself manifest in an election year?”
Fox News released a transcript purporting to show four different versions of the Messiah’s story. Former Republican governor James Thompson referred to Fox’s story stating, “Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. At least three of these are lies.” Thompson added, “I’m from the Midwest.”
In a hastily called press briefing, White House press secretary Scott McClellan sought to reassure the GOP’s large Christian constituency that Bush still revered the Son of God. “The President knows Him on a first name basis,” McClellan said. “He considers the day that he met Christ to be the most memorable event of his life.”
When asked by Helen Thomas as to exactly when and where Bush met Christ, McClellan stated “The President doesn’t remember such a meeting taking place. But it wasn’t in the situation room, I can tell you that. Despite what He said, Jehovah has no witnesses.” Thomas appeared doubtful.
Perhaps the harshest words were reserved for The Lamb Of God by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN.) Taking the Senate floor, Frist waved about a copy of the Bible, accusing The Way, The Truth, & The Light of perjury. “First He says He’s the Son of God! Then He says he’s not only God’s son, He’s also God Himself! Then he brings up this Holy Ghost business. It’s weird outer space stuff.”
Frist also questioned Christ’s motivation for returning to Earth to criticize the Iraq war. “First you have this “Passion” movie. Now the book. It’s shameful and Self serving.”
Christ was later questioned about the film by reporters as He stood outside Pat Robertson’s Virginia Beach studios in an ultimately futile attempt to appear on The 700 Club. “I’ve never met with Mel Gibson, nor do I ever intend to,” sayeth the Lord. “I don’t appreciate his anti-semitism.”