Marc Perkel Rantz

You know you're in California when

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You don't care what race people are because you're too busy wondering what gender they are.

8. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

9. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

10. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

11. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

12. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

13. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

14. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

15. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

16. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

17. The normal symbols on restrooms mean "people wearing pants" and "people wearing skirts".

18. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

19. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

20. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2003."

21. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

22. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.